I call it the old-ancient feeling.

Old because—at a random sight, sound, smell, or touch—you return to a moment in your childhood . . . and ancient because it simultaneously transports you back to a time long before you were born. Suddenly (maybe this time it is a color that ignites the feeling) you are a baby on a kitchen floor, sunlight falling hazy on your head, pungent thyme wafting from your grandmother’s cupboard . . . even as you are there on the day thyme was first discovered high on a mountain.

It is strange, first to relive a moment that has, for years, been buried inside you—and then to experience that same familiarity with that which you’ve never known. An ancient place. Like Heaven. Yes, I believe the old-ancient feeling is ultimately pointing to Heaven. How can we call home a place we’ve never ventured? Yet we know we belong there, just as I know what it is to be deep in uncharted territory, ripping up herbs.

Is this proof that we are as spiritual as we are corporeal, living beyond these tangible limits? Thyme beyond time. I believe so. But even more a mystery . . . I believe the feeling is not a mere feeling, but in fact He who is called the Church’s living memory: the Holy Spirit Himself.

He reawakens in us that which was destined to be from the Beginning: truth, goodness, and beauty.

Hey, if you’ve been enjoying my blogs, I invite you to check out the short stories and poetry I’ve posted on Figment:

http://figment.com/users/232676-Denise-Mallett

I pray Christmas was a blessed time for you and your family!

Peace,
Denise

The Magi set out because of a deep desire which prompted them to leave everything and begin a journey. It was as though they had always been waiting for that star. —Pope Benedict XVI

I read that quote and my heart burned within me. I want to live with such abandon. A willingness to chase not empty dreams but those stars that the Lord sets in my skies. Go where He points—but not simply to find personal fulfillment, because I believe that every risk I take in His name is preparing me to be courageous in the times ahead, when every Christian will be called to stand out as brilliant lights in the darkness. If we choose to conceal our light, we will indeed be safe from persecution—but not saved. If we choose to radiate, we will lead others to Christ, just as the star over Bethlehem led the Magi to the Child.

And those who are wise shall shine like the brightness of the firmament; and those who turn many to righteous, like the stars for ever and ever. —Daniel 12:3

My first morning home, the fields surrounding our acreage were purest white, wheat stalks like upturned icicles. Fog on the horizon blended the cloud-smudged sky into the land, not unlike the Atlantic’s horizon. Burdened by the thickest frost I’ve ever seen, the trees bordering the road were bowed low and would have groaned had they lungs. Saskatchewan may not be Nahant, but it can be a little like Narnia.

Christmas Eve has always been magical to me, but in a deeper way this year. While away from my family, I had dreamt about being together again, drinking tea by the twinkling tree. Thus it was a strange but beautiful thing to find myself living that dream after Midnight Mass. Our only light was provided by strung lights entwined in the tree’s branches and candles arranged on the coffee table. The smells of baked ham and yam from supper lingered still. We prayed together, gazing upon the creche, and then Father picked the chords to O Come Let Us Adore Him on his guitar, and we sang. After night-before-Christmas presents were opened, each child owned a faux fur blanket. Wrapped in these, we shared stories late into the night.

A few days later, there we were again, gathered around the tree, sipping apricot brandy in celebration, because we ten will soon be we eleven: my older sister, the oldest Mallett child, now wears a blue topaz ring on her left hand. How surreal it is to me, even as it is the most precious gift this year—a new son for my parents, a new brother for my siblings and me, and a remarkable husband for Tianna. As young girls, my sisters and I often play-acted a chaste re-telling of Titanic, each with our own Jack. I think it speaks profoundly about the desires burning within a girl’s heart—and how God fulfills them—by the fact that Tianna’s fiancé very much embodies her childhood Jack.

The landscape has shifted and will continue shifting—physically and metaphorically. My sisters and I—we are women now, no longer children in dress-up clothes. We are free to fly where the Lord wills. Where once the possibilities would have overwhelmed me, now I am exhilarated by what may be. And so, as I await my next adventure, I’ve acquired a horse.

A young dun, barely handled by humans. I’ve named him Islander. I may sell him in the spring to pay for a flight to some distant land where the hills are green, or I may keep him. Who knows what lies ahead—except a wedding, when the snow has melted.

In some ways, it feels like I never left this place, like those three months in Massachusetts never happened. I often find myself fingering the sea-glass necklace given me by my host family—proof that I really was there. But even greater proof is that, even in the stillness found on the prairies, an ocean is falling in waves upon my soul.

Little scarlet cardinals

pecking in the green

Hide away in the wet thicket— 

race the sparrows! dodge the squirrels!—

when the wind rushes cool and salty

And the mighty tree sways and sprays

sways and sprays

Summer has slipped

from this island

Let go, murmurs the fog . . .

Family dearest, I am coming home

to be warmed

by the hearth of your hearts

Yes, I let go 

But I let go to embrace

My last week on the island. Red leaves lie thick beneath the trees; branches are dark and sleek and utterly beautiful. My ocean—yes, it is mine as much as it is the islanders, because God has given every human the whole great world to explore—is very angry. Pale beneath unbroken clouds, it heaves as if a massive serpent slithers beneath the surface. Waves are attempting to climb the cliffs, failing with every crash—but not failing miserably. Rather, I am in awe at their ferocity—I am frightened. The ocean doesn’t want you to leave, said my hostess.

But I have to leave. Whatever I was called here to give has been given; what I was called here to receive has been received. How do I know this? Because peace abounds, even in the sadness that accompanies goodbye. Ah, even so, I know I will ache to remember what it felt like to live on serene Nahant, to be loved by and to love these people. I cherish every moment, even those moments when I was tried, because in being tried, I believe I have been become a little more like that gold, placed in the purifying fire. O Abba above—may I never again be that child who so often ran from the fire. Only let me still be that child with a map in her hands, craving the wild adventure You’ve plotted out before me. In truth, it is the treasure I crave, marked by a red X—a blood-stained cross—buried in the meadow of sanctity.

Yes, I let go

But I let go to embrace

the crown that lies ahead

When someone mentions Christmas, what is the first image that pops into your head? Personally, I see a jolly, blue-eyed man garbed in red. I see multicolored lights and velvet stockings. I smell pine and cinnamon, and I hear Nat King Cole’s toasty-warm voice. I taste eggnog, shortbread, fruitcake. The whole world has suspended the rat race to curl up on couches with family, to share a laugh and trade mountains of beribboned presents.

Despite the pretty picture I have painted, I can’t help but think: what on earth happened to Christmas?

With a few clicks of the mouse, I’ve discovered that the image of Santa Claus was not fully developed until the 20th century. Not long ago at all, and yet the white-bearded man with an appetite for cookies and milk has strode in and effectively booted the crèche from our homes. Much the way Apple has convinced us life without an iPhone is impossible. What happened to the days before?

Somehow the tradition of honoring Christ on his birthday has been shuffled to the farthest corner of the attic, like last year’s present. In fact, Christmas is the one birthday celebrated incorrectly. It isn’t about lavishing our love on Christ as we would on dear Bobby, but about gorging ourselves on new possessions and sweets. Our closets are stuffed tighter, the weight scale groans, and the rat race resumes. Even we as Christians are slowly slipping as we harp at our kids to be good because Santa Claus is coming to town—but what about Christ? How many of us truly understand that it is Christ who approaches, wanting not simply to enter our homes, but our hearts?

Just as it would be radical to return to the pre-iPhone days, so would it be radical to again set Christ at the heart of the Christmas season. Does this mean we must chuck Santa Claus out the door? Not necessarily. Giving gifts in memory of Saint Nicholas will remind us that the saints became saints because they gave. But we must remember that, in giving, the saints were pointing to Christ, He who gave us His life. Perhaps Santa Claus need not be eradicated; rather, become the pedestal on which the crèche be placed.

Indeed, string your tree with tinsel and bake those goodies, but let it be in celebration of Christ’s birth. Let the lights on your house reflect the light in your heart. And may the children whisper: “When is Jesus coming, Mum?”

When I looked out the window this morning, I gasped. I have watched Nahant transition from green to red to bare and now to purest white. And I am no less entranced by this place than when it was bursting with color. Yes, the hydrangeas are withered on their stems and the boats have been pulled from the water, but light is still spilling from the sky, the gulls have not ceased to cry, and the ocean—the ocean is as formidable as it ever was.

I walked down to the beach (scarf around my neck, mittens on my hands) and stood still between the frozen land and that great moving of water. It is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. Familiar words, yes? I love God like I love the ocean—because He too never changes. Even when our hearts are frozen, He is still moving, and moving powerfully.

Every now and then, I pause, and I think, “I did it. I actually came back.” Nahant has blessed me deeply by its unwavering beauty; my hostess and her three daughters by their fierce joy and hands-on love. In leaving, I know I will grieve a little, as if I am leaving home a second time. Something in me is tempted to fear that once this beautiful chapter in my life is over, I will find myself floating aimlessly, disoriented, abandoned to find my own way. But then I stand still, and I remember that my God never changes, that I can trust Him, He who will continue to be like the formidable ocean until the end of time—through every chapter in my life.

I am reading Wild at Heart by John Eldredge. It may be directed toward men, but it is feeding my soul as well. I too crave wilderness and risk, as men do, but for a completely different reason, a reason I did not recognize right away. My question was: Why do I have a wild heart? And the answer came as I was walking home yesterday evening from the rugged headland on Nahant called East Point. Bathed in a sunset-pink that would be obnoxious anywhere but in God’s sky, listening to a loon calling in the harbour, I smiled at these words that blinked into my head: to be found.

Aha. It is feminine indeed, that desire to find myself lost in foggy hill country where the trees grow thick and the river is quiet but deadly in its swiftness. Here is woman’s heart in three words: to be found. We too desire adventure, want to take daring leaps . . . because we want to be rescued from danger.

A man, however, leaves behind the known and ventures into the wild to find. Find himself, discover what he is made of. And find that damsel in distress and rescue her.

Life is a love story. Yes, our very existence is founded on romance—not only between men and women, but first and foremost between the King and us. Human romance must flow from divine romance, if it is to be as passionate as it can be. It was He, after all, who created the wild and that craving within us to experience the wild. Why? Because He wishes to be found by and to find us.

So I will allure her;

I will lead her into the desert

and speak to her heart.

—Hosea 2:16

Yesterday I attacked the pumpkin on the front step. It is now appreciated anew in cookie and muffin form. Next week, pie form, when the American Thanksgiving rolls around. Felt good to hack that thing into pieces, boil it, blend it, bake it.

A few days ago, I was raking leaves—a gazillion leaves. My arms didn’t like me come day’s end, but it was a good feeling, to toil in the crisp air and later truly understand what rest means. I recognize that not everyone is called or able to toil like that—strain their muscles, or push their hands into soil, split a log, prune a tree—but I think something in every person comes alive when mastering creation.

Back in Eden, the greenery and beasts within were given to Adam, first man, and I believe that ancient gift is still waiting to be opened by any who desire it. In days past, those men who spent their days tilling the fields, harvesting the crops, training their horses; and those women who drew carrots from the earth and milk from the cows—they sweat, bled, wept, and rejoiced with creation. And in doing so, I think they must have tasted Eden. I think this because I myself have tasted it, when I am weeding in the garden, when my horse yields to the touch of my leg, when I reach beneath a chicken and remove the warm, brown oval that is a fresh egg—or when I am transforming a pumpkin into goodies. And my soul says Yes when I see a boat coasting on the waves that press upon Nahant, sails swollen with wind, or when I see a child swinging from a branch. Dancing with the ocean, dancing with the tree. In those moments, we are transported back to the Beginning, when life was simple—when man was living and breathing God’s goodness through the tangible world.

Ha, I guess those pumpkin goodies feed more than the body; they also feed the soul.

As I sat on the ragged purple rocks, watching black waterbirds spread their wings and a seal peek above the waves, I realized that if the ocean were drained away, the placid blue landscape would give way to a network of chasms into which one could fall and never be found. Is not the mystery of God the same? If we were given liberty to step into His divine mind, we would find ourselves overwhelmed, terrified, struck with a wonder too great to bear within our weak human flesh. And so those chasms remain hidden. Just as the tide recedes, revealing only a fragment of what lies beneath the surface, so too does God reveal only fragments of His mystery to us, one gift at a time.

Here in this place so far from home, God has allowed the tide to recede until I am, at times, almost overwhelmed, terrified, struck with uncontainable wonder. His ways are indeed mysterious; I never could have guessed that my life would unfold as it has. With every beautiful relationship I have formed, every light-soaked day by the ocean, He has proven to me that an oasis in the desert does exist. I know the desert will come again, as it must if my roots are to continue pushing down in faith, but growth happens here too, in the oasis. My leaves have unfurled, my flowers blossomed, as they never have before. And when the tide encroaches again, my roots will drink deep from that lush crown given me by God.